A fun little project

John spotted a deal on dealnews.com for a photo site (artscow.com) which has 1200 free prints, and 10 free photo books (of course shipping will cost). But I've wanted to do a photo book for awhile and I finally came upon an idea I could commit to- our wedding. I had so much fun choosing out the best pics and arranging them on one of the ready-made templates (I'm not that crafty). Here are a few of my favorites- thinking that some of you probably haven't ever seen any of our wedding pics. A problem due, of course, to our lack of printed pictures- which will be handily solved by our new photo book :-).

So until you visit us next and peruse our new coffee table material- here are a load of wedding pics to tide you over.

First a pic from our first weeks of dating

And our engagement photo- taken in the botanical gardens in Penang (we used it as the background of our invitations with a translucent paper overlaid with the words)

Walking down the aisle

Some pics from the ceremony (John's high school teacher- now pastor, and my Dad officiated)

John's sister and her husband sang Fernando Ortega's A Prayer for Home

When we walked out...
John spun me around but only Jason and Elizabeth (and maybe my Dad) saw

I've always loved this pic of our family- everyone looks so good and we only took a few minutes to shoot all the formal shots.

Matt and Elizabeth had only been dating a few months when we got marriedMy friend Rebecca was a godsend that week- she came early and helped out so much- with practical things and with keeping my emotions calm

We had our reception at a Tapas restaurant not that I remember the food, but we had fun

Toasts

Dancing


Our delicious cake


And our farewells
It's ridiculously fun to look at the people in these pics- in the past 7 years there have been loads of weddings and babies and moves: our friends Jason and Liz (now married) were just friends, our friend Elisabeth who we visited in Ethiopia this year is in several of these here, and Ben will be getting married in just a few months. Jason had just met Elissa but nothing was happening in cold Mongolia yet. My Dad's parents have both died since then too. And then of course, there's our life- we visited 11 countries together before we got married, and since then it's been at least 20 (5 of which we've lived in). We've got Sam and one on the way. Amazing.

Also amazing is how good my Dad's sermon that day was and still is. So just for extra credit I'm going to offer you the following reading recommendation. I especially recommend it if you're married or getting married soon. Several of our friends there that day have asked for copies since, and reading it again today I was just as challenged as I was that day (or truthfully probably much more so- since it's hard to pay attention when you're getting married and standing up- plus I know more of the challenges he speaks of firsthand).

So here it is, straight from Jan 12, 2002

Wedding Charge

It wasn't too long ago that Jeff and Diane and Annie and I were looking at a little baby in our arms - a bit amazed at this new life God had given us. We have been with John and Caitlin through birthdays, accidents, vacations and school concerts. We have watched them experience for the first time the ocean. We have observed them interacting with people and wondered at the facility with which they related to others. We have listened to their night time prayers and helped them with their homework. We have watched as God's greatest miracle took place before our eyes, and God opened their hearts to his presence and invited them to accept his gift of salvation. We have prayed for the person they would one day marry - without knowing that we were praying at that time for Caitlin and John.

And now we stand with them at a momentous turning point in their lives as they choose, before you their friends and family and before God, to commit to each other and live as husband and wife for the rest of their journey together.

There is so much I would like to say and so little time to say it. I pray that each of us will leave this service with a heightened view of this institution created by God and that those of us who are married, as well as Caitlin and John, will leave with a commitment to work to make our marriages all that God intends them to be.

I want to focus on the Scripture that talks about marriage as a "one flesh" relationship. In the very beginning of the Bible, we read in Genesis 2

24 For this reason a man will leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife, and
they will become one flesh.

What does it mean to be one flesh?

The first thing to note is that a sexual relationship is what forms this one flesh relationship. But one flesh is much more than a physical intimacy. A spiritual intimacy is also created. This is something so precious, that a formal, contractual relationship was created to protect and sustain this spiritual intimacy, this one flesh relationship.

One hint at what a one flesh relationship is about is the verse in Genesis that follows the one I just quoted. Let me read it in its context: 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

This verse from Genesis speaks of a relationship in which the vulnerability of man and woman becomes so deep that there is no reason to hide from each other. In a one flesh relationship, a man and woman open themselves to each other. They become completely vulnerable with each other and are not ashamed. The things we are embarrassed about are shared and in this protected one flesh relationship, the embarrassments of our lives are received in love and we find healing for the wounds of our past. Our deepest secrets are encouraged to come out of the closet and be shared. Because of the love in which we become mutually vulnerable, we stand in a state of grace, naked and not ashamed.

We have superficial conversations with people we meet at parties. With a good friend, we become more intimate and reveal more of who we are below the surface than we would to a stranger.

In marriage, we gradually get to the bottom. Over time, we become more and more vulnerable. We let our spouse know about our deepest fears and embarrassments and wishes and dreams. We learn by experience that our spouse can be trusted, that he or she loves me despite knowing things about me that I myself do not like and am ashamed of. We are, in marriage, one flesh and we become over time, one flesh.

The first advice I want to give is that this one flesh relationship is a powerful relationship and as with all things powerful, it needs to be handled carefully.

Strangers can comment on my tie or hat and I may not even pay attention to what is said. But when Annie compliments me, I really listen. Someone can come to church and say on the way out, "Nice sermon pastor," and it rolls off my back like water off a duck. But if Annie tells me she liked my sermon, I plunge into her comment and crave from her the reasons for her statement. What she says matters to me.

Annie and I go running in a Eucalyptus forest near us most mornings. She sets off in one direction and I go the other. I like this arrangement because this way I get to pass her twice every loop I make. One morning a few months ago, as I came up to her, she complimented me on my running form. From that day on, I have been conscious of my running form every time I come up to her. Her off-hand compliment went deep into me and resonated within me because what she says matters to me.

This is the power of a one flesh relationship. This power can be used for good and it can be used for bad. Annie compliments me on my running form or my preaching or something else I do and she feeds me strength. On the other hand, if a husband is critical of his wife, saying, "Why can't you ever do anything right?" that too resonates within the wife and saps strength from her.

"I love looking at you. You are so beautiful," feeds strength to a spouse. "You're a failure just like your father," is an act of destruction.

With a kind word of affirmation from your spouse, your spirits can soar. With a negative word of criticism, your spirit can be crushed.

The teaching in Genesis is that God created Eve for Adam and Adam for Eve because they needed each other. A man and a woman in marriage are meant to build each other up, to encourage each other. But words carry power and when used negatively, they destroy what God considers beautiful.

Sometimes, the two partners experience so much pain, they stop trusting each other. They have been so hurt by negative words, they shut down emotionally and create distance as a way of protecting themselves. This creates some measure of protection, but it also closes off the powerful affirming and building of a one flesh relationship. In such a relationship, the power of their one flesh relationship still exists and they end up more and more wounded, shooting more and more holes in each other, using and abusing the power they have over each other.

Marriage holds the potential to be the best of relationships but it also holds the potential to be the worst of relationships. Caitlin and John, you have such power over each other. Use that power to build and encourage, not to cut up and destroy. Pay attention to what you say. Guard your words. Create life, not death with what you say.

A second piece of advice for you comes from this teaching of Genesis which is picked up by Jesus and Paul.

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

In marriage, a new relationship is formed. A man and a woman become one flesh. In this one flesh relationship, the most important person in the life of the woman is the man. The most important person in the life of the man is the woman.

Caitlin, what John thinks about something is far more important that what Annie and I think about that thing. John, what Caitlin thinks about something is far more important that what Jeff and Diane think about that thing.

In just a bit, you will take the candle Jeff & Diane and Annie and I lit earlier. You will take those candles and light the center unity candles and then you will extinguish the candles your parents lit. This is symbolic of this teaching from Scripture. You are now living a new life together. In this new marriage, you leave your parents and unite with each other.

A third piece of advice I want to give is that in a one flesh relationship, the man and woman need to be best friends. Being best friends with someone doesn't just happen. It requires choices. As husband and wife, you need to decide to participate in each other's activities. If one of you likes collecting frogs, than the other needs to begin to go to swamps and ponds. If your spouse likes flying kites by the ocean, at least learn to enjoy walking on the beach. Being best friends does not mean you have to do everything together, but it does require that you be interested in what the other one is doing.

Best friends share with each other the things that are important to them. They share their hopes and dreams, their fears and failures. Beware of having any relationship, male or female, in which you share more intimately than you do with your spouse.

Caitlin and John, put effort into being your spouse's best friend and you will be his or her best friend.

The fourth thing I want to talk about is forgiveness.

In entering marriage, you will become a one flesh relationship. It is a unique, special, wonderful relationship, but since we are all sinful people, our relationships are flawed. One flesh relationships are attacked by our sinful selves and there will inevitably be conflict, hurt and betrayal.

In life, people have the power to hurt us, but because a marriage relationship is the most intimate of human relationships, the pain resulting from hurt and betrayal from your spouse goes so much deeper.

No one has the power to hurt you as can a spouse. So what do you do when you feel hurt? What do you do when you suffer pain because of what your spouse did or said?

You can strike back. You can create distance between yourselves. You can scheme to get even. You can fight to protect your rights, privileges and prerogatives. You can manipulate to get what you want. There are a lot of things you can do, but each of those things will act as an enemy of the one flesh relationship God has given you.

There is only one thing you can do when you are hurt by your spouse. There is only one option for you if you want to protect and build your one flesh relationship and that is to forgive your spouse. Forgive the one who hurt you.

I remember one night sleeping in the guest bedroom - not actually sleeping but seething. I thought through all my options: divorce, suicide, murder and after evaluating these options decided they all lacked a certain something. The only option, as creative as I tried to be, was to humble myself and ask for forgiveness and to forgive.

But how is it possible to forgive when you are so deeply hurt. Let's say that you have made yourself vulnerable and shared a deep dark secret about yourself and then your spouse uses what you have shared to try to win an argument or even worse, used that information and shared it with someone else. How can you forgive that offense? Having made yourself vulnerable your spouse now shares your nakedness with the world. How can you forgive?

If your spouse has become intimate with another person and violated your one flesh relationship, how can you forgive?

In order to forgive, we need to be loved. When we need to forgive someone who has hurt us, especially the partner in a one flesh relationship, we are in a depleted emotional state. In that depleted state, where do we find the strength to forgive? If it is my spouse who is hurting me, if my spouse is not loving me, who then will love me so I can forgive?

No one loves me like God. No one loves me as deeply as God loves me. No one loves me unconditionally as God does. And so when we allow ourselves to experience God's love, his love pours out over us so we can love the one who has hurt us.

Annie and I were married almost 25 years ago. We were married with high hopes and great expectations and we did have some great times together. But we are both stubborn, independent people and we became stuck in patterns of behavior that continually attacked our one flesh relationship. We limped along for fifteen years of marriage. We went three separate times for marriage counseling. I remember the second of these times. Annie told me we needed to see a counselor. I was pastor of two Presbyterian Churches in Ohio at the time and I resisted the idea. So Annie announced that she was going and I could choose or not choose to go with her. I'm not the most brilliant person in the world, but I was smart enough to know I needed to go with her.

Each time we went for counseling, we made progress. But the critical turning point in our relationship came when Annie decided she was going to love me no matter what. Annie made the sacrifice and died to herself and loved me as I was. How was this possible? Ask her and she will tell you about being sustained by God in the midst of the emotional pain she was experiencing. Her sacrifice was sustained by God's love for her. If I was not loving her as I ought, God loved her and so she was able to love me unconditionally.

And our relationship turned around. We still have rough spots from time to time, but our marriage turned a corner ten years ago and the last ten years of our marriage have been wonderful ones. And again, it happened because Annie choose to sacrifice herself for me. She was able to love me because she was experiencing God's love.

A one flesh relationship is a precious gift God gives to us and it needs to be protected and nourished. God created the institution of marriage to protect one flesh relationships. It is a gift that can easily be dented, chipped, cracked but not easily destroyed. It is delicate but not fragile.

It is also a gift that can be repaired. Even in severely damaged one flesh relationships there is hope because God's love can pour out of a damaged relationship, healing wounds and restoring a one flesh relationship.

I can testify to this. Annie and I had many difficult moments in our marriage and when I would sort through our family slides, I would feel again the pain of a fight we had on a trip. In particular, I remember a fight we had on a trip to Cleveland, Ohio on Lake Erie. Years after the trip, I would see those slides and feel again the pain of the argument.

But then after our marriage turned a corner, perhaps four years later, I was sorting through the slides and was amazed to discover that the pain of the argument was no longer there. Annie's love for me had healed those wounds. A damaged one flesh relationship can be restored because of God's love that renews us.

Caitlin and John, there will never be a time in your marriage when there is not hope for renewal and restoration. Persevere in your commitment to love each other.

Do you see how a marriage is built? The foundation must be a living, growing relationship with God. On this base, forgiveness can mend and heal the wounds inflicted in marriage and a one flesh relationship, a precious gift given to us by God, can soar toward the heavens.

Caitlin and John, as one whom God has entrusted with the responsibility of blessing Christian marriage, I charge you.

I charge you to seek out God's truth and love. You are on a pilgrimage and what you know and what you have experienced of God's love is just a small part of what you will know and experience in the future. Keep an open relationship with God. Keep straining to learn and grow.

I charge you to seek out a fellowship of fellow believers where you can be encouraged in your pursuit of truth and in your marriage. Make your commitment to these people an important part of your schedule. Even if you are in an area for just a short period of time, seek out God's family in that area.

I charge you to communicate daily with each other, exchanging not just facts but your feelings and thoughts about what is happening in your lives.

I charge you to use your words to build each other. Seek to build each other up into wholeness.

I charge you to be willing to forgive and ask for forgiveness, even when you don't feel like you are the one to blame. End each day with a kiss and an "I love you."

I charge you to be willing to make personal sacrifices for the good of your marriage.

I charge you to make your relationship primary, to express your love for each other so that any children with whom you are blessed will be reassured that their parents love each other.

God loves you more than you will ever be able to comprehend and wants to help you in your new relationship. Let his love, received in your lives, give you the strength to unselfishly love each other.

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with you both. Amen.